The following email was recently intercepted by Wink-Wink-Leaks. Its source is uncertain but it appears to originate from the progressive thinktank Wule-Over Theise Foundation.
News flash: It’s taken till December for the biggest news story of 2016 to break. Trust me. It’s larger than Trump over Hillary. More astonishing that the Cubs over the Indians. I’m going to break it to you slowly so that you can take it in without physical harm.
It concerns Chip and Joanna Gaines, the beloved hosts of Fixer Upper, one of the most popular shows on cable TV.
In case you’ve just disembarked from the International Space Station, you should know that since 2013, the Gaines have built a huge audience by matching their passion for home design with a folksy charm and decency seldom seen on cable TV. (Look up “kindness” in the dictionary, and you’ll see after definition #4: “See Chip and Joanna Gaines”.)
Now we’re learning (oh the heartache!) that there is more to this decency that Chip and Joanna have been letting on. Thanks to the stellar investigative reporting of Cosmopolitan magazine and Buzzkill (excuse me, Buzzfeed), we have learned…brace yourselves, you’re not going to like it…that Chip and Joanna Gaines are………..Christians!!!!
Remember those dangerous, untrustworthy people Barack Obama warned us about? The ones who cling to their guns and Bibles? Well, the Gaines are some of those!!!
But it gets worse. I’ll allow the Cosmopolitan headline to speak for itself. (Again, you may want to sit down first.)
CHIP AND JOANNE GAINES’ PASTOR PREACHES “HOMOSEXUALITY IS A SIN”.
BUT DO THEY AGREE?
The article begins: “A recent deep-dive from Buzzfeed has uncovered something many fans will likely want an explanation for.”
And ends: “While fans shouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions about what this might mean, for many people who watch the show, their silence speaks volumes.”
Not since Watergate have we seen such reporting. Award them the Pulitzer right now. Look what’s been unearthed! (I wonder who their Deepthroat was.) Someone breathing in the air of the United States of America actually still believes that homosexuality – in fact all the sexual behavior practiced by the LGBT community – is behavior that should be avoided! Oh the humanity! (Quick – splash cold water on your face.)
After all that’s been done: President Obama’s enlightened change of heart in 2012, and the Supreme Court recognizing gay marriage nationwide in 2015, after all the sensitivity training and public shaming and corporate threats, after all the lobbying and boycotts, after all the judicial overreach, after all the Hollywood propaganda, after all of this, it appears (we could be wrong; the Gaines haven’t officially spoken yet) that there are still at a minimum three people (three!!) still alive in the United States who haven’t wholeheartedly embraced the enlightened sexual practices of contemporary American culture.
What’s to be done? Let’s not overreact here. Let’s give Chip and Joanna a chance to explain themselves. But if worse comes to worse, and we discover it is true that they are one of them, then we must do what we do best. No – not speak truthfully, and appeal to science or common sense, or reference studies, or look to the rich vein of moral refection found in thousands of years of Judeo-Christian history. We’ll leave that failed methodology to the red-state, Bible-clingers.
Instead, we’ll focus on what works. Hit ‘em where it hurts. Dollar bills. We took down the governor of North Carolina, so a couple reality star hosts should be easy pickings. We write letters. We scream and yell and howl. We light up social media. We orchestrate protests from Waco to HGTV headquarters. We file lawsuits. We get students at Yale to cry for safe spaces. We show the ‘LOVE HAS NO LABELS’ ad over and over and over again till everyone is brainwashed (wait…we’re already doing that.)
But not yet. Let’s give the Gaines time to make a statement.. However…pitchforks at the ready.
